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How to accept being ugly
This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.
I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.
There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mel on
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I do get what you are saying. One day I thought about it like this, and this is going to sound odd, too. But I thought about how if my cats lost the furr on their heads they just wouldn't look as cute. I know them and their adorable little personalities and I would love them just the same, but if they were bald when I first saw them at the shelter would I pick those cats or some cuter ones? I am single and as I see more hair shed it is concerning, especially in light of what you said -- looks matter. On a positive note, and hopefully speaking to what you're asking about, how to make peace, I think it is true that even if our looks change we have to remember we're still the same and personality, attitude and our approach to life also weight huge in this world. It's sad to see our looks be diminished, but we're alive and this does not cause physical pain. I guess all I can think to do is to try to focus on what we're grateful for.. maybe that will help us all to focus on what truly matters in life. Helping others, loving unconditionally, old friends... We can still have those things...
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Doesn't sound odd to me...it makes me incredibly sad, but only because I'd be inclined to agree. It is realistic. If my cat lost his fur, yeah, I'd love him just the same (haha maybe more since we'd be twins) but no kidding, he'd look freaky.
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Permalink Reply by Glenda Folkersen Stroh on
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I am sorry for your pain, I've always been one to worry more about what I looked like on the outside than who I was emotionally, spiritually. Alopecia is a tough lesson and it takes time to grieve cry and say life isn't fair. We all learn this lesson with or without hair life is hard. I find it much easier knowing " those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind" attitude. It helps to own it, reinvent yourself daily with different wigs , scarves throw your shoulders back with confidence. Do things that build you and better yourself the only person we have to like is ourselves, put on a take it til u make it attitude and know your worth. I still have days when I feel ugly...but I had those days with hair. I hope and pray that you find comfort and peace.
Glenda
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Permalink Reply by karma on
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Hey girl, we all all have our good and bad days... I was 28 when I realized I was losing my hair (but in all reality it was going in for years before I figured it out)... For the first 2 years I fought desperately to do whatever I could to get it back, the. I relented to do whatever I could to appear normal (spent over 3k on a prosthetic and I'm looking at 8k on the next one)... I was voted best looking in Junior high and runner up in high school (so superficial and trivial but still hard to let go of... I was prepared for aging and getting grays and a few Wrinkles, but losing my hair (and not in a soft feminine way, but hearing doctors tell me to my face I had "MALE" pattern baldness... The breakdowns, self pity and loss of confidence I dealt with is crazy... I'm 4 years into this and I'll be honest, I went from dating whoever I wanted to attrCting whoever I want until I tell them the deal and they act like I'm damaged... I am not and would never tell you that to make anything worse or break you... I'm telling yo this because it's what I went through ... And it's what I had to go through to realize I was dating the wrong kind of guys and getting caught up with image and letting it drags me down.. I dated "hot punk, tattooed guys" thinking that their opinions of me were validated... It took me losing my hair to realize there was more out there and a lot more of looking, putting myself out there and getting used to saying "btw way I don't have hair" til those words didn't sounds like a brutal take down of who I was, Til they one day caused no emotional out break and until they one day kind of made me feel different (in a good way)... I know I'm funny and fun and pretty and sexy and all things you are too, but it's ok to feel down, and rejected and like a misfit (I still have those days here and there)... We are here for you on your ugly and your pretty days girl... You just need to own it so you can rock the hell out of it... And your next "bad" day... Come cent all over my wall, I got you ;)
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Permalink Reply by AlopeciaDestroyedMyLife on
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Hi pippinsgirl,
I personally have never accepted it nor will I ever. Lying to myself would never make me truly happy. I would try every treatment out there and everything in my power to get my hair back. I felt hopeless all the time but I never stopped trying to find something that might help me.
I would strongly recommend you talk to you're Dr about Xeljanz it's done absolute wonders for me so far.
All the best
ADML
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I've heard of it...but I have questions. Is it something you only take for a short while or do you have to take it chronically, and did your insurance cover it? I have heard it's got a lot of nasty side effects...everyone is different obv, but did that happen to you?
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I totally agree with you. I would do whatever it tskes to have my hair back. People think its not worth it to take xeljanz because of sideeffects..well alopecia is a disease just as arthritis is a disease. Would you not take medicine if you had arthritis?
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I agree with pippinsgirl...I too HATE this disease. I struggle daily with sadness and trying to hide the fact that I have alopecia. My good friends know and my husband and family are very supportive, but that can only go so far. I used to love buying new hair products, make-up and clothes, it was fun. Now, I have no interest. I'm just going through the motions. My best analogy of this disease...I feel like I'm not invited to a really awesome party, and everyone else is having a great time. Ughhhh!
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I feel that. I mentioned all the "pretty things" because I go "ok, well I don't have hair...will it REALLY matter if I don't wear nice clothes or makeup? I mean, I look like shit anyway..." I know that sounds super negative, but hey, that's depression for you. When I do do all that stuff I always feel fake in a lot of ways, like it's a pathetic little costume I'm wearing, you know, "Oh how cute, she's trying so hard to look nice with smoky eyes and a new pair of jeans...oh but it's so not working." And no one wants to dance with someone who isn't at the party.
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Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on
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I'm beautiful and so are these people here. You have to find yourself beautiful before finding someone else who finds you beautiful- rather than just tolerates your appearance. There have been many studies that standard ideals of beauty, and physical beauty in general are not the bulk of what attracts lifelong mates to one another.
Physical traits initially bring someone to talk to another person, but the thing that attracts that person and makes them believe the other is a unique and special person is their personality- especially how they SEE themselves, how they see other people and how they view life. Be positive, love yourself, and the rest will follow. I hope you can practice self love so you won't be as haunted by your lack of hair.
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Hi,
I feel ugly every day when I look in the mirror but then I put on my wig and Iam pretty again. You just have to get on with life at the end of the day who really cares if you are bald or not.
Mary Burns
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I was just thinking, if a person with terminal cancer were to hear someone complaining about their lack of hair, they would say "do you want to trade"? there is always someone out there who is worse off then you are. Would you rather a quad in a wheel chair ? are you healthy ? There are so many other things that you could have ....figure it out, nobody van do it for you.
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