Unnecessary comments from family

I consider myself lucky in that I have a lot of support from my doctors, therapist, friends and family, but I've been having weird (and sort of rude) issues with my parents on and off.

Although no one really knows what is causing my (or anyone else's alopecia areata), my doctors and therapist believe stress is a major component in why I am not healthy in general. My parents know this, and they really do try really hard to be there for me, emotionally and financially. Sometimes though, maybe once every month or two (writing this today because it happened again today), my parents - usually my mom, like today, but sometimes both my parents, will blame me for my alopecia, and make me very stressed and upset. 

My mother literally said to me that it's my fault that I lost most of my hair, and it's my fault it hasn't grown back, because of unrelated things ("you aren't responsible about your finances, that's why you're losing hair! you aren't focusing on school, that's why you're losing hair! you're selfish and blah blah blah, that's why you're losing hair!). If that wasn't rough enough, she keeps at it for around 30-60 minutes, and then pretends like she never said anything mean about my hair loss in the first place. Whenever she acts like this, I get so stressed and get really intense physical reactions like the shakes, migraines, inability to eat because I feel so nervous, those kind of things.

I really do thank my mom (and dad, and brother) for everything for the most part, because without their support, I wouldn't have had the insurance to see so many doctors, go to my therapist, or the money to buy my fabulous wig and hats, but her comments (which honestly seem to come out of no where, but seem to be her true feelings about my alopecia) really make me stressed and upset. To make matter kind of worse, I definitely notice more hair loss when she says those things to me, so I know that in some way, stress might be a real factor in my alopecia.

This is mostly just a rant, but would also like to ask you all what you'd do in this situation? I feel like I can't really do anything, because 99% of the time, she is supportive. However, I really don't like these comments from her, about how the alopecia is my fault.

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Permalink Reply by Me on January 14, 2014 at 4:20pm

You said she is supportive 99% of the time and I think you should try to remember that.  Stress, immune system, heath issues, medications, hereditary or a combination of causes put us in this situation. She may just get frustrated at times because she can not do anything to make it better for you and can not "fix it" for you. As a mother myself of 5 children who suffers from alopecia and who has to wear a full bonded lace cap, I can look at this from all angles. Lots of people can hurt your feelings. When I worked at my previous job, I had just started wearing hair and had just shaved my head and just got my first unit, I was so stressed and so frustrated because I had to accept losing "the old me" and those co workers were so mean and nasty I got another job and I don't tell anyone I wear hair now. If anyone would say something I would  just tell them "So what! This is me, DEAL WITH IT!" I have to live with me and others have to live with themselves. The point is, you have to find your inner strength and not try to live up to the expectations of others. Having this condition can make you weak or it can make you stronger. Sometimes we get "Comfortable" having everyone tell us how we "Should" feel. Therapists, family, friends, doctors although their hearts and intentions may be in the right place, fact of the matter is.... We all have good days and bad days. It's called Acceptance! Maybe your mom should work harder to accept that this is something you can not change, I think only then can happiness be achieved. Try to be a stronger person. Research on your own, take the reins and look at all the positives around you. You are the one who needs to find your inner peace and be happy with yourself, and accept yourself. You can't expect others to do that for you. God Bless Little Sister! Things will get better and you need to realize that! You got the power inside of you! Be who you are and let the real you show through!

Permalink Reply by paula on January 14, 2014 at 5:52pm

i'm sorry for your stress.  i feel that many people don't know what to say about those of us suffering from this, and they say things out of ignorance for lack of better reason.  you may need to take a bit of control over how much of this you will listen to, with a "mom, dad, i understand you are concerned, but this is not helping me right now.  although i love you, i need to walk away from this conversation right now.".   or something along that line.

focus more if you can that they DO love and support you, instead of the thoughtless comments that may come out of their mouths due to fear and concern.

good luck...and we are all here for you if you need to vent!    

Permalink Reply by janeybugs on January 14, 2014 at 6:14pm

 This is just a thought,  but maybe deep down your mom feels responsible and that is a horrible feeling for her so she tries to deflect blame onto you.   Its not the right thing to do but sometimes parents are just human beings.   Try not to let her  comments stress you.  As a matter of fact,  just ignore what she says.   Losing your hair was NO ONE'S fault.  It is just the way it is.  God decided, your body decided, fate decided........whatever.   NOT ANYONES FAULT.   Stay strong honey, and do not let your mom get you down.  We have this one life and had better find acceptance and happiness while we are on earth.  I wish you the best.

Permalink Reply by Jean on January 14, 2014 at 6:20pm

My suspicion is that your mom is really trying to find a way to deal with your hair loss. I can tell you that, as a parent, the guilt I feel when one of my kids is going through something is insurmountable. Some people deal by yelling, or blaming. Deep down inside, your mother is wondering what it is that she did wrong to cause this.You are getting the mental help that you need, but is your mother? Have you talked to your therapist about this? Family counseling might help too. Your mom is crying for help, just not in the right way.

Permalink Reply by misaac80 on January 14, 2014 at 9:22pm

I agree - She is probably upset and wanting a reason when sometimes there is not one.   Unfortunately though what she is doing is hurtful to her daughter and not helping the situation at all.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy on January 14, 2014 at 8:45pm

I would invite my mother to my next appointment, with the doctors involvement, and have her listen to the doctor explain just how Alopecia is not caused in anyway by your actions.  I would have him explain about autoimmune and how brow beating does not help you adjust to your condition.

 I am sorry your mother is acting this way, in my case, my mother acts like nothing has happened ever in the 40+ years I have had AU.  She simply gives no support, but in my case this does not surprise me as I have been told by my mother when I was a kid that I was the worst thing that happened to her in her life.  I know most mothers are not intending to be mean, but I would take the road of asking the doctor to explain some things to her.  Then I would tell her how her words do not help, but make things worse.

Permalink Reply by janeybugs on January 14, 2014 at 8:51pm

Dorothy,  I feel bad for you with your mom saying hurtful stuff.   I hope you have found love in your life to replace a mother's love.  Your mom was most likely hurt emotionally at a young age and is stuck in the mean girl phase of life.   It is too bad and I hope you have prevailed in your acceptance of AU.  You are a role model for these young girls facing this. 

Permalink Reply by misaac80 on January 14, 2014 at 9:03pm

It amazes me the number of people, friends and family, who think it is OK to come up to me and mention that my hair is really thin and then start to offer suggestions.  I would never say something about someone's acne, birthmark, etc.  It is really hurtful, not helpful.  I have already tried almost everything including rogaine, supplements, etc.  I am hoping to get some other ideas here at this site.  

Permalink Reply by Ashley on January 14, 2014 at 9:26pm
I'm so sorry, I've been there too. My dad was always making mean comments and I believe it's because he didn't and still does not know how to deal with me being completely bald. Please talk to your parents, even with your Drs. They need to know this hurts you, and it's not fair to you. Keep your chin up, we didn't choose this, it chose us.
Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 15, 2014 at 1:25am
I'm in agreement with everyone else. You are not to blame. It's autoimmune part of your DNA. So therefore if she wants to place blame. The blame is with her. However that wouldn't be a good solution either. The point is unfortunately for the most part we are powerless over our AA. The serenity prayer is perfect to recite in your head when your mom starts her rants. Be strong. Hang in there. I've had AU since I was 23. You will get a handle on your AA and your mother. Remember you can not control either one, only how you react!!!
Permalink Reply by Jenny Wren on January 15, 2014 at 3:41am

 Feel sorry that your Mum cannot see your suffering & is not helping, but indeed ADDING to your stress. She is probably trying to help in "her own way" not realising.

Convinced it is something within our genes. Something you cannot do anything about. Only just found out my Grandmother had the condition + my own Mum briefly after giving birth to my brother.

Also my nephew had very little hair before going to schoo(which was a major concern to my brother) I also had cronic atopic excema which disappeared after hair loss brought about by stress when my husband did a "disappearance" act. I lost all. Stress must play a part IF you have a underlying factor.

NOW Have totally accepted this & people "take me as I am". You are NOT your hair but what is inside.

Good Luck

 

Permalink Reply by grandma concerns on January 15, 2014 at 12:24pm

HI hon .. my granddaughter is exactly the same way .. she is experiencing the same thing you are except her parents are divorced and her stepmom can't stand her and tells her all the time that she needs to lose weight and that she needs to get better marks at school yadda yadda yadda.  Her father says nothing he is kind of a mouse and does whatever he is told.  Her mother is trying to raise her two girls pretty much on her own as her dad and stepmom won't help her out with anything.  So here is my problem with that.  My granddaughter only gets poor cheap wigs that last about a month, because its the only thing her mom can afford.  Taylor (granddaughter) got alopecia when she was 7 and she is 12 now and she has a definite difference in her hair growth when things happen but she has total hair loss.  She has no hair at all anywhere. 

Can you tell me your secret to keeping your wigs on for gym or doing anything that might take your wig off accidentally?  Taylor is wanting to take gymnastics and we are having a rough time coming up with anything that would keep her wig on her head.   She is VERY SELF CONSCIOUS.    Do you have a good name for good wigs? 

You could surely help me and her.  Your ranting is a good thing in my case anyway :) ... thank you and hold on your family does love you they are probably frustrated too.

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