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Are you good at receiving compliments?
People regularly compliment my fiancee Cheryl, telling her things like she has a beautiful smile and that her "shaved" or bald head really looks good. I've been with her when men as well as women have complimented her in such a manner, and I've never known her to become upset, offended or otherwise put-off as a result of anyone doing so.
Which makes me wonder, how many other women and men in Alopecia World are good at receiving compliments, especially compliments on their "alopecian style?" What kind of compliments feel genuine to you or make you feel comfortable? Do compliments of your alopecic or bald look help you to better cope with having alopecia? What are some specific examples of compliments you don't mind receiving? How did you get to a place where you are comfortable with people complimenting the way your look as an alopecian?
Which makes me wonder, how many other women and men in Alopecia World are good at receiving compliments, especially compliments on their "alopecian style?" What kind of compliments feel genuine to you or make you feel comfortable? Do compliments of your alopecic or bald look help you to better cope with having alopecia? What are some specific examples of compliments you don't mind receiving? How did you get to a place where you are comfortable with people complimenting the way your look as an alopecian?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Leon Johnson on
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I believe I recieve more compliments now that I've shaved my head versus before. It's still taking me a while, though I understand that it's considered pretty normal for a man to shave his head. Slowly but surely the scarring is fading on my head so I'm not too self concious of it.
Most people wouldn't look at me and see that I have a skin condition called cicatrical alopecia but I know that the bald shiney head gets first stairs on the train, the office etc. I still believe that women need to just pull that courage by the rings and be beautiful.
When I was a child I can remember other children being picked on to the point of tears and I don't like bullies. When my emotions try to make me believe I'm unattractive, stupid, unworthy I shout back; "Shut up! You a lie!" I'll keep saying this until I'm old and gray; If you don't have the confidence to be beautiful no one else will think you're beautiful.
Please don't wait for representation, or a spokesman in order to feel proud of being bald. Now I've tried to encourage a few on this site and I know that in the end you ladies have to look yourself in the mirror and be okay with it. Trust me, there's nothing more striking than confidence.
Peace and God bless.
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Permalink Reply by tornade on
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hiya ! good topic indeed !
umm ! for my experience , i'm AA , almost 11 years ago , and during all this period , i was just hiding the patches with the hair left , and abviously even if others didn't notice that i'was loosing hair , it wasn't looking nice at all , so if someone comment on my hair , i feel just incomfortable, i start wondering if he noticed something and said that to make me feel good , or if i was having regrowth that might bother me for two resons , first , feeling that others even if they don't ask me about my hair,they do notice and may be talk about it in my absence and whispers and all , because they do notice the diffrence when it happens , and second , because i aware how much people care and focces on appearences and hair, so it kinda bugs me...
anyway when it comes, i just smile and say thx , or something...
so i think i'm not good at recieving compliments, but it always depend on my state , and who's saying the compliment ...
i think i do apperciate compliments the most , on moments when i do lose lot of hair, and feel depressed about it , so when someone say something nice , and feel he's honest , that could make my day !!
and for compliments on other things , like the way i dress , my shape ...umm , i think i'm good at receiving them , but i really don't like when people focces on the look .
so i think i'm gonna say that i'm a bit sensitive when people comment on my hair even when saying good things .
Melissa
xxxx
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Permalink Reply by Marie on
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I don't get a compliments on my bald head because 1) I'm not completely bald yet (just patchy and thin) and 2) I wear wigs. However, I do get compliments on my wigs! I always say, "Thank you! You made my day!" Sometimes, I tell people it's a wig. That might seem to defeat the purpose of wearing a wig, but I'm not embarassed about it. In fact, if everyone knew I wore a wig, I could change it according to my whims and no one would bat an eye. That's the direction I'm moving in; hair as a fashion accessory.
Sometimes I think about all of the things people don't like about themselves. There are times when I look in the mirror and it's not my hair but my deepening marionette lines that fixate me. I think, "That's so unattractive." What?????? Like Leon, I also have to shout back at the voices of those "bullies" in my head. "I'm fifty! Of course I have lines on my face! It's who I am, and it's OK." Then I start to wonder: What do I think of other women who have lines and wrinkles? Do I think they are unattractive? How about other women with thin hair or bald heads? Do I think they are unattractive? How do I accept others if I do not accept myself? How do I accept myself if I do not accept others? Receiving and giving compliments, finding beauty in myself and finding it in others, are two sides of the same coin. I believe our society has taught us to loath what we perceive as our physical shortcomings. That's why compliments from others are so nice, but it is the compliments we give ourselves that really make a difference.
(P.S. On a related topic...My girlfriend and I have been saving up for face lifts. But, all of a sudden, we don't want them. A woman we know just had some facial work done and, truly, she looks absolutely fabulous! But, unfortunately, she doesn't look like herself anymore. It's disturbing and sad to the people who miss her old face. I used to think that would be OK with me -- to look younger at the expense of the familiarity of my face -- now, however, I'm afraid of the idea that I'd let something unpredictable and permanent take away a part of me. So, I've decided to turn the "facelift fund" into a "sailboat fund." I want to explore what getting old and wrinkly is like.)
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Permalink Reply by Trina on
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This was a good topic RJ! I think it depends on how comfotable you are in your own skin. I love Cheryl look and if my head was not so big then maybe I would try it one day.. LOL... I would accept the compliment with smiles. People are often in shock when I discuss with them my Alopecia and I take it in stride. I think it is one of those things that once you accept yourself then you can accept a compliment. My fiance is always supportive and while sometimes at first you are skeptical the more someone says something the more it feels good... Love the skin that you are in...
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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I'll be the first to admit, I'm not comfortable with compliments at all. Whenever someone compliments me on my looks, I'm always wondering if they are really being genuine and sincere or not, because for so long every time I heard a compliment outside my family (and even within it sometimes) it was delivered with an air of pity or someone just saying it just to be polite. Even when my beloved Todd compliments me, I wonder sometimes whether or not he really means it, or if he is saying it to convince both me and him of that fact. To be honest, even when he complimented me in the past (when I was wearing my wigs and scarves), I felt like a fraud because I wasn't being up-front with him about why I was wearing them in the first place.
I'm not sure that I want anyone to compliment me, at least not to my face. If people compliment me to Todd and my family, then that is fine, but as long as I don't hear them personally, then I don't have to wonder that they are genuinely sincere compliments. I'm totally comfortable with my inner beauty, but I stopped believing in my outer beauty long ago.
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Permalink Reply by Amber Lounder on
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Interesting topic ,because it's something we deal with daily. In my case, I wear hair as a fashion accessory.
People see me with different look all the time and those who know know why; those who don't must think i'm a CIA agent.
When I get compliments I want to say" Thanks, but it's not my hair", sometimes I do say it sometimes I don't
Alopecia is almost a blessing I've changed and I feel like a nicer person for it. Sometimes I wish everyone could experience it just for a day
I know that sounds cruel and unusual. Oh and Kastababy I just looked at your pics and you have a gorgeous smile Don't be so down on your looks, your skin and smile are fantastic. You are a babe xox
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Permalink Reply by Mukti on
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Wow what a topic! You sure have a way of getting me thinking. I believe that I first started accepting compliments was when I had started to accept myself as being bald. I wear the BeauBeau scarves when out in public. Before I used to wear bandanas and it was a different look. I got more compliments when I started to wear the scarves and I felt better about my look as well. Also the most important thing for me was to be in a good place where I was able to show "my alopecian being" that I am now did not bother me. I had people around me that were worried about me being in public! It made me feel like I was not good enough to be out in public. So you know what I did...I quit being around those people. I started to work part-time at my girls school a few months after I lost all my hair and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. What a blessing it was! Being around childern every day even just for a few hours a day has done wonders for me. I think when you are happy on the inside it shows on the outside and that in turn lets others know you are in a good place.
I also got to be accepting of my bald head by being able to laugh at myself. You know the saying "I could just pull my hair out...I was so mad!" Well one of the teachers said that the other day and I told her "ME TOO..BUt I DON'T HAVE ANY LEFT TO DO THAT!" She had a good laugh as I did too! But there are several things that will pop into my head and I will say them out loud. At first, the teachers didn't know what to think..but now they know that it's okay to laugh!
Also the one thing that always comes to mind is "God wouldn't hand you something that you could not handle!"
And of course "Laughter is the BEST medicine"
Like Sandy said that her head is nicely shaped...I had my brother say the same thing about my head. He said that his head is mis-shapen and he would not like to be bald because of it! LOL ..so again "God would not hand you something that you could not handle"
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Permalink Reply by Amber on
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generally i welcome any compliment unless it's related to my alopeica in anyway. i get embarrassed, i get depressed, my demeanor changes completely if somebody makes a comment about my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, or my lack of arm hair. I can't help it. i try so hard to not let it bother me and let my 'hairlessness' become a part of me. but it bothers me so much when somebody says something about it. i feel inadequate and get very insecure. Even if somebody is genuinely trying to be nice or trying to make me feel comfortable.
i can talk about it myself now.. and if i bring it up i'm generally ok with questions and comments. I wish i could read minds to know if people are just saying nice things to be nice and that's how they truly feel or if they really think i'm a freak. well.. maybe i don't want to know.
if i could have my way nobody including myself would ever talk about my alopecia. it would be ignored, liked it didn't exist. but i wonder if then i would truly be happy...
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Permalink Reply by Sharan on
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I never used to be comfortable about receiving compliments but since I decided to live my very bald life, I accept hem a lot more. They re-enforce my decisions. This year I have had a few social engagements (friends wedding, family birthdays) and helped out a family member with his new venture running a hotel. I have finally put my bald head out there. To hear people compliment me on my smile and my eyes is pretty wonderful considering for many years my eyes were red and swollen from crying and my smile was hidden under my wig wearing anxieties. it motivates me to continue.
The types of communication that I find very uncomfortable are that ' how brave are you', 'i dont know how you can do that', 'I thought you have leukemia'. But I except that as part of 'coming out'
I was at a recent party (I know havin far too much fun), was in very good company with my partners family and a lovely friend of theirs. He was facing heart surgery, a double bypass in the next week. After a few whiskies, he started to reminisce of his sister he lost to cancer aged 37, he was bringing up her son. He thought I was so brave and was glad it was nothing sinister when i explained it was alopecia. His story was heartbreaking and he had tears strolling down his cheeks but continued to re-assure me they were happy tears. i embraced the conversation and we had such a wonderful natter. These are the types of conversations most Alopecians want to avoid but as i explained that I was pretty cool about it all now apart from the fact I scare young kids. most children dont know if i am a man or a women. Young kids use hair to recognise that. He continued how apprehensive his nephew was of his mother after seeing her loosing all her hair to chemo. I had such an uplifting experience with this guy. We finished the night with a lovely dance to Journey - Dont stop believing, well think he had to sit down half way through.
I do hope his op went well and I thank him for making my night such an interesting one.
I'm not sure how I managed to get where I am. I tend to give my partner most credit, where I should really take some myself. It has been a long road, and I was quite stuck at times. Having the web and being in touch with other alopecians has been my most successful therapy. Stopped me feeling the freak. Stopped the isolation. Gave me tremendous strength and a sense of belonging.
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Permalink Reply by becky on
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It took me 5 yrs, before I was able to really accept comments. I would tell people that you're just saying it, you don't mean it, or what are you smoking. I actually took my wig off in the hospital when I had my little girl in January. The nurses were more interested in my alopecia universalis, rather than being in labor. Today, I have decided that I am going to wear my wig less, and listen to peoples comments, and accept them. As my husband has told me over and over, it is not the outside appearance that we have that counts. It is what is inside of us that does.
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Permalink Reply by Mari on
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Rj you do have a way of hitting things on the head (good pun hehehehe) that is for sure! What a question, and interesting to know how most of the comments seemed to come right out of my own thoughts. I hope that y'all don't mind if I point out something that seemed to stick out to me. I read all the comments and to me I think that accepting compliments and feeling comfortable with them goes hand in hand with OUR acceptance of being blessed with alopecia. For those of us that can go out and about and be free with ourselves and not feel like we are hiding we are able to laugh and sometimes even poke fun at alopecia and when someone gives us a compliment about our "nice shapped" head, and I have gotten that alot, we can feel good and take it in stride. But for those of us that are sad, scared, embarrassed, dare I say ashamed? , when it comes to being complimented honestly do not believe or feel that we deserve to be complimented. We think- if they only knew they wouldn't think I am pretty or beautiful.
I have to say I completely agree with Leon and Marie, we do have to fight those lies we start telling ourselves about not being attractive or deserving of those compliments. Most people out there honestly mean what they say when they are complimenting someone, and I hope that when we get one we say YES! I deserved that and thanks so darn much for noticing :o)
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Mari,
I dont think that most people feel as though they are hiding because they choose to cover their heads. I am and never have been ashamed of having Alopecia. I have lived with AU for over 15 years and AA most of my childhood. I choose to express myself in a different manner. I educate people on the condition and have to deal with it double because my 9 year old has AA, but each person here chooses to express themselves differently. We make people feel ashamed because they want to fit it. And I am not saying you are but a lot of times I hear people tell them just go bald and deal with it. That may not be there thing and they should feel no less an Alopecian for it. They still suffer the same pain in the beginning and have to learn to cope. We give children teddy bears to cling to and if someone needs their wig then it is no different. I choose to cover my head for me and me alone. I tell anyone walking what I have endured in hopes of helping someone else. The compliments I can learn to accept because that is a part of me just loving who I am and the person GOD made me. I just think that whether you are bald, wearing a wig or learning to cope we all need compliments and appreciation. I have learned to focus less on the aspect of being an Alopecian, and more on the aspects of being a human being. I am here alive and it could be worse.. I could not be able to walk, swim or ride a bike... Whether you cover your head or not you are and will always be an ALOPECIAN.
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