Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
Called out again....
So... I might be more of one of the "anxioius" alopecians out there...
But I really have come to dislike meeting new people because 50% of the time, they abruptly say something about my "hair" and comment how thick it is or how shiny it is or that it's "too perfect." This is their way of opening the lines of communication that this is not hair that is attached to me, it's my wig.
I hate this part of meeting new people. I know they are trying to be polite about it-- and it's better than the folks that just blurt out "what's up with the wig." But still... I really don't want it to always be the topic of conversation! I just want to be able to go out, meet people, and not worry about them noticing my wig.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I'm ALWAYS polite about, and I always put on a smile when I admit it's wig, and that I have AA.... but sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. I just dread the moment where I see their eyes drift from my face to my "hair line." I can spot it a mile away.
Maybe I'm having a bad week... maybe I'm just crabby.... but really. Today it was really embarrassing. I was in a room full of new people, and she just blurted out that comment about my "hair." AND EVERYONE just stopped and looked at me... I could just feel my face turn completely red.
90% of the time, I don't even think about my alopecia, but lately it's been hard. My friends have been wanting to do these overnights, and girls weekends. I have only been without my wig in front of my husband and my 20 month old son. My parents have seen me with a bandana on. I find myself finding excuses at the last minute to not go. I know deep down, it's because I'm not ready to expose myself in front of new people.
I don't like isolating myself like this... I find myself wondering how people deal with these situations.
Now I'm just going on and on... have a good night everyone.
Frusterated and insecure,
Rachel
But I really have come to dislike meeting new people because 50% of the time, they abruptly say something about my "hair" and comment how thick it is or how shiny it is or that it's "too perfect." This is their way of opening the lines of communication that this is not hair that is attached to me, it's my wig.
I hate this part of meeting new people. I know they are trying to be polite about it-- and it's better than the folks that just blurt out "what's up with the wig." But still... I really don't want it to always be the topic of conversation! I just want to be able to go out, meet people, and not worry about them noticing my wig.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I'm ALWAYS polite about, and I always put on a smile when I admit it's wig, and that I have AA.... but sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. I just dread the moment where I see their eyes drift from my face to my "hair line." I can spot it a mile away.
Maybe I'm having a bad week... maybe I'm just crabby.... but really. Today it was really embarrassing. I was in a room full of new people, and she just blurted out that comment about my "hair." AND EVERYONE just stopped and looked at me... I could just feel my face turn completely red.
90% of the time, I don't even think about my alopecia, but lately it's been hard. My friends have been wanting to do these overnights, and girls weekends. I have only been without my wig in front of my husband and my 20 month old son. My parents have seen me with a bandana on. I find myself finding excuses at the last minute to not go. I know deep down, it's because I'm not ready to expose myself in front of new people.
I don't like isolating myself like this... I find myself wondering how people deal with these situations.
Now I'm just going on and on... have a good night everyone.
Frusterated and insecure,
Rachel
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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Hope you're doing better now, Rachel. I just saw this discussion for the first time today. As you can see from my page and posts and YouTube videos, I decided early on to just go bald or wear interesting scarves. I think part of the reason I've done this (besides the fact that I can't stand the heat and itching of wigs) is that I felt so FAKE in a wig. No matter how nice a wig it is, or how "unwiggy" it looks...it's not me.
I think it began to bother me to even SEE myself in the mirror in a wig because then it threw me back to wishing I had my hair! I've worked hard to get over losing my hair, and accepting the way I look bald. So, when I put on a wig to go out, I would get all sad because I'd feel the loss of my hair all over again. Does this make sense? I just wasn't good for my emotional health to see myself "with hair" and then without again. I know that women who wear wigs don't feel this way, but it's the way I am.
For the few months I did wear wigs, I always felt awkward with those compliments on how good my "hair" looked. Now, I just get compliments on what a nice head I have, or what great eyes....Yes, there are the frequent "cancer pity" looks and comments. But, you know what? I really don't care anymore!
This is me now...life is good. I hold up my head, wear big earrings, and smile. People are disarmed and seem to just take my baldness in stride. Besides, I like feeling special. ( ;-)
Take care,
Mary
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Permalink Reply by Courtney on
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Hi Rachel,
I feel your frustration! You have my support. It isn't easy.
What about just saying 'Thank you' when people make a comment about your hair? After years of me saying 'Oh, you too could have hair this shiny/perfect/ whatever- its a wig.' I just started saying, 'Thanks!' and if and when I felt like disclosing to them about the wig, I did so in my own time. It was amazing how much easier it became when I just accepted the compliments (intended or not!) and made it a non-issue.
Please don't let the alopecia stop you from doing anything you would consider fun. Your true friends will love you hair or no hair. Buy bandanas, hats, soft scarves, whatever to wear instead of hair and do your overnights. I tell new people, hey, I wear hair during the day, at work or on special occasions, and when I am relaxing I take it off. You are so beautiful hair or no hair!!!!
Take care!
Courtney
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Permalink Reply by JoDeanna on
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Rachel, I really have to agree with you strongly on one issue. There could be 10 ladies around with nicely styled hair, but as sure as my name, someone is going to make a fuss over how nice my hair looks. as if complementing me were not enough they proceed to touch my hair which of course, always happens to be a wig or a weave. It aggravates me to no end! Plus, they touch my head so fast I don't get a chance to escape. Smile.
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Permalink Reply by Tnabugg on
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I totally sympathize with your situation. I haven't had anyone yell out that I'm wearing a wig and I would totally be uncomfortable.
After my hair fell out, I did not see any of my friends and a year later, I was invited to lunch with a bunch of them and my friend Brett asked me to take off my wig cause he wanted to see what I looked like. I slapped him. Told him it was rude and uncalled for especially in front of a group of people.
As for wigs, there is that insecurity that you feel that everyone knows that I'm wearing a wig. I try to look for wigs with bangs. Those tend to have a hair line that look more real than most wigs. I've been wearing the Rene of France wigs and those are my first real big expensive wigs.
I thought getting a wig from the local guy for 28 bucks was a deal but the wigs are made super cheap are just that and they look like I'm wearing a wig. Didn't know that at the time. I just wanted to wear something that made me look normal.
I don't know what kind of wigs you are wearing and not implying anything, honestly and I haven't seen any of your photos to see what wigs you wear if you've added photos to your profile but check out some other style of wigs that look more real. Some with bangs..
Check out Rene of Paris.
Hugs,
Tina
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Honestly, I felt much more self-conscious wearing a wig than I do bald. I always wondered whether people could "tell", or worried it was crooked, and I felt that discomfort when they'd compliment me and I didn't know what to say. Now I don't worry about any of that. Of course, going bald does have its own issues, but - for me - it just feels better.
Best wishes to all,
Mary
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Permalink Reply by Ted Michael Morgan on
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I knew a man whose parents named him Seaborn because he came early during a sea cruise. Seaborn took off name tags. The first thing most people wanted to know when he met them was how he got his name. He was a poet--a good one. Your situation sounds like a variation on Seaborn's problem. I don't have any other responce. except that I am sorry you have to put up with this.
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Permalink Reply by Gill on
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Hi Rachel
You know, what you are going through is perfectly natural, and most of us have gone through it at one stage or another. When we first start wearing a wig, we are so conscious of it, thinking everybody can tell. These feelings come back from time to time, and everybody deals with it in a different way.
I found that my close friends and family were eager to make me feel comfortable with out a wig, and the best think I did was to go on holiday, and not wear a wig all week, it was great gave me the confidence to try it at home.
it will come, give it time. Best wishes Gill
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Yes, holiday is a great time to try out being wigless! I had a trip to Hawaii scheduled that ended up being only 2 weeks after I shaved my head. I had all my "bald" firsts on this trip - on the beaches (with a hat in the sun for protection), in restaurants and shops, at the airport .... And, when we were flying home, it was really hot as we waited for hours and then boarded, and I remember walking bald to the back of a fully-loaded plane. Nobody screamed! Once I learned it wasn't a big deal, I had the courage to go out little by little to new places at home. Now I don't give a you know what who sees my lovely bald scalp!
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Permalink Reply by Gwen on
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Hi Rachel! (waving) Girl be lifted and encouraged. You're beautiful with or without a wig. There will always be those who choose to point out something different in all of us. Don't let this get you down. They are the insecure ones, not you! Keep your gorgeous smile alive girl and just be You!
Hugs,
Gwen
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Permalink Reply by Eva on
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Nothing new to add, but I can definitely relate. Although most people don't seem to notice that my hair is a wig, those comments always make me uncomfortable if only because constantly talking about alopecia is not a particular interest of mine; there are other things I am more interested in talking about when I first meet someone, you know?
When I go to overnights or girls weekends or whathaveyou's with people who I have not talked about my alopecia with and I don't feel ready to broach the subject with (it is hard for me, I still don't like talking about it) I just sleep in my wig. I don't know how snug yours stays on or if yours is uncomfortable, but it's never been a problem for me.
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Permalink Reply by spaganya on
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i definitely know how you feel. i get that feeling mostly though when i have a new wig or when my current wig is starting to get old and get that "wiggy" look. i fuss over it all the time and make sure it looks perfect. which of course, because it looks perfect all the time, spurs the comments.
its a cycle!
but along the lines of the overnights and staying with new people, do what you are comfortable with. i know i stopped going out to clubs and places with lots of people, because one night i had a drunk guy pull of my wig. so i can feel you with the having a person yell out "HEY IS THAT A WIG???" in front of a crowd. its embarrassing when all you want to do is blend in and be "normal".
but realize, that true friends couldn't care less what you look like. while i still am uncomfortable in large crowds, i know that i can go out with friends or with smaller groups of people and make baby steps. so i pick things i know i can handle, and try and get my friends to help me cope by telling them my fears. its amazing what a convo with a good friend can do to alleviate fears.
good luck :)
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I know people must be getting tired of reading my posts saying the same thing - but the solution to all of these problems is to just COME OUT OF THE WIG CLOSET! Ditch the wigs, buy some nice earrings, smile, and get on with life. It's so simple, so comfortable, and so carefree. If you have the attitude that it isn' a big deal...most people react the same way.
I messed with wigs for several months, tried a bunch of different ones, traveled with them, washed them, styled them, SWEATED in them, carried a chopstick in my purse to scratch under them, worried if people could tell they were fake hair. Then I said to hell with it and just started going places bald.
Yes, it was hard at first, but now I really don't care what people think and I actually feel special and unique as I am. Sure, I'd rather have my hair back. But, until it grows back, if ever, I AM THE WOMAN I AM.
I'll shut up now.
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